Sufferings to savour

A while ago, my friends asked for my opinion about her plan of taking a certain software class, “well, is it something you are interested?” I asked,

“uh...it might be useful for me to do service for Bahá’u’lláh. ”

“that’s very good thought, but will you be happy in taking this class? If you’ll be happy, I think it’s great, go ahead! But are you really interested?”

“uh...not really.” She’s an honest person.

It doesn’t seem to be an appropriate approach to look in our possibilities of service for ways of our own enjoyment. Service to Him is not suppose to be enjoyable, at least that shouldn’t be the first thing we look for in each path of service. I envy those heroes or heroines who can endure hardship simply for the sake of responding His call, to enter boldly into places unknown, a profound demonstration of obedience and sacrifice. I can never do that, nor will I ever master the will for it.

Although the thought of obtaining my own fulfillment or happiness never occurred to me when I throw myself in teaching team. At the age of 19, away from home for the first time in my life, I never felt scared or timid at the faces of stranger and unfamiliar circumstances. I was, oddly, happy and content in that state of ignorance. Having no knowledge about the Faith, the teaching work and everything else that should be important in one’s life, I felt that I’m good for something at last.

Very soon the feeling of content subsided, created a void in the corner of my mind that eventually occupied by this thought: am I good for nothing else? Being a teacher of Bahá’í Faith in such way is all very well but I simply couldn’t find enough passion to last for very long. I love sharing the Message of Bahá’u’lláh with total strangers, the look on their faces (acknowledgement or otherwise) are thrilling to me but I couldn’t picture myself doing this as a job for the next couple of decades. I must move on and up even though I didn’t realize that I wanted to.

I think that one can only be aspired to advance when walking on the path of service. The world is full of things that we can do for the betterment of it, but only those we are given the gifts can sustain. By “gifts”, I don’t mean the things that we already good at, but the things that pushes us to become better at it. I think I’ll call it “love”. For example, if my friend loves computer stuff, she would never have to ask for my opinion and would just go ahead take the class and offer her service in such fields. As for me, I love to learn different languages, it is a blast for me to immerse in the beauty of various dialogues. So much so that even the painful process of constructing vocabulary becomes utterly exiting. I have so much fun when striving to comprehend the letters from the Universal House of Justice and translate them into Chinese. It’s an ecstasy disguised as cruel agony. I can’t even describe how much fun I’ve had with those painful moments of strives.

Maybe this is what Bahá’u’lláh wants, I sometimes wonder, He wants us to not only offer our service with love but also to love our service. A sufficient explanation for me as to where the bliss comes from when one treads the path of service.

It’s awfully challenging enough to devote oneself on path of service in each preferred way; the agony of trial and the bliss of breakthrough are both profoundly sound. Frankly, this might be the next best thing I can offer beside martyrdom; long fetch, I know! but this is the closest thing I know about sufferings; can’t say I’m proud of it.

All that aside, I think it’s safe to say that I will be readily savoring my way of “sufferings” for decades to come. The more the merrier!

when the going is suck, how should one get going...

Just this week, one of my acquaintances called and poured her depression on me. She found herself stuck in a job with no prospects of advancement or merit, and was asked to stay for another 3 months when she hand in her resignation. Three months is hardly an issue in any cases except she meant to leave two weeks ago. Personally, I fail to see the downside of this scenario; she gets to stay employed and it allows her time to think about her next step. Perfect scenarios for someone who’s worn out on current job yet forced to linger for the sake of financial leverage. I must say that I’m quite puzzled by her depression in light of such convenient disposition.

I take pride in my capacity to find value in mediocrity and cheers in crappy time, but there are times I suspect it could be another form of eluding. A suspicion at times raided like a herd of angry elephants even to my own mind. I’m in a job that’s neither my passion nor will it uplift my status. Owing to my somewhat advanced level of English and the fact that we are constantly working with minimum staff, I was able to keep this job till this day. A desk job that’s tedious and dull, very low odds of error, still I barely accommodate it and slip up from time to time. It is clear to me that my current occupation is far from fulfilling the dreams I’ve had while sat idly in my junior high classroom, taking time out from memorizing English vocabularies and preparing for pop-quiz promised by our odd-looking English teacher. My dreams about future career includes becoming an actress/singer/poet, and be famous at it.

But they’re just dreams.

As I’m reaching the mid-point of my life, the fact that they remain dreams haunted me constantly. The time left for me to fulfill those dreams are running short and running fast. Again, it seems to be the least possible time now to spare a window for those dreams.

Often I found myself wonder; exactly what am I working towards? Given that I have absolutely no passion for the job that supplies me, what is it that actually sustained me in this journey of life and prevents me from slitting my wrist in escape from those nameless mind rants?

The moment I no longer find solace in taking work as worship, I knew my last hope for true joy is lost and I’m in deep shit. Pardon the S-word but for one whose disposition in life, career, status and all other perspectives held no promise, and worst of all refuse to take it all in, it's just like sitting in a big, sad, pile of shit!

I cling to the hope of ever approaching glory while my inner life bent in face of reality. The going is suck and there seems to be no other options but to keep going. The idea of deluding myself into confident of self-sufficing no longer appealing, my inner being cries for a purpose in life, threaten to extinguish my outer being if its demand ever be ignored again. At which point I seek shelter from Words, Words of solace, of grandeur, of gracefulness, of transcendence, Words spoken in His name, of His virtues, by His faithful Manifestation.

Once again, for 1/1000 second in my mind, peace was restored. In that split second of eternity, tranquility was found and just as soon was lost. But, that’s all I ever need, Words of the Blessed Beauty.

Must I be alone?

Yes, I feel very much alone at times. Regardless how approachable I may seem to be, I am very much alone in this world.

This sense of aloneness that occupies my whole being has nothing to do with being single, because one can still feel alone when married to a mismatch; no, rather it’s relate to awareness or should I say the lack of it, the lack of awareness in priorities, duties and perspectives in life.

While my mind strung out on wondering life after death, others strung out on contemplating their lives after hours. While an enlightenment grew old on me, others have theirs springing young. While my eager anticipation slowly dies, others have theirs even yet to be aroused.

The way I started with this question seems to imply that this state of aloneness is optional. As if!~

It seems the only way to withdraw myself from this overwhelming aloneness is to accept mediocrity as norm. How unreasonable it’d be to live like an outcast in a world that I could’ve fit in, and how easier life would be. Set aside happiness or not, how easier life would be for me.

Above all, I shall not be alone.