if only I could be less loser than I am now...

if only I could stop the "never-get-real-works-done-until-the-very-last-minute" pattern to run my life...
if only I could learn to speak Japanese before my last trip to Japan, which was 7 years ago...
if only I've bought this digital camera before pilgrimage to Holy Land...
if only I've learn how to drive when I needed it...
if only I've turned down assignments when I still had a chance and stopped made-believe that I'm capable for the task...
if only I've recognize my poor, pathetic existance and learn to deal with it...
if only I could prefer others over myself and embrace other's shortcoming and stupidity with whole heart...
if only I could...be less loser than this
if only 38 will finish me, for good...